


Consequences

by impsy



Series: run and run as the rains come [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-05-07
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impsy/pseuds/impsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For every action, a reaction; for every choice, a consequence." Badly injured and separated after the end of the game, Shepard and Kaidan struggle to find each other again. Mass Effect 3 ending rewrite (no Starchild).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The setting sun was dark and hazy through the smoke, the fallen Reapers and wreckage of the Citadel casting long shadows over everything that still survived.

The few remaining ground forces were gathering their wounded before allowing themselves time to celebrate and drink the memory of Reapers away, while their leaders tried to figure out the next steps after a battle they all expected to be their last. The other races’ fleets headed for the Sol relay, eager to return home to their families and spread the news that the Reaper threat had ended.

The galaxy had finally won its freedom, and Shepard woke up.

She didn't see the sunset, the shadows, the dead Reapers, the people she’d worked so hard to save. She didn't hear the victorious cheers, the speeches, the sobs of everyone who lost someone. Her world was just... empty.

_I’m dead,_ she thought, but her thoughts were sluggish, her mind disoriented by her injuries and the darkness.   _It was always going to end like this._

But the moment she tried to move, she realized her error – every inch of her screamed in anguish, and she whimpered, in so much pain that she couldn’t stop herself.

_So much for dead,_ she thought, though at this point she almost wished that was the case. So where was she?

A moment of contemplation face down on some sort of cold metal surface, but what it was or where it was from, she had no idea. Based on this, she could tell that her armor wasn’t much intact, but the feeling of cold took a distant second place to the screaming fire at the end of every nerve. She was twisted oddly and covered in dust. The last thing she remembered was Anderson’s head sinking onto his chest, the Crucible firing into the stars-

Then nothing.

Why couldn’t she remember?

At least wherever she was, it wasn’t _totally_ dark. Though she couldn’t see any light sources, her eyes were adjusting, enough for her to see her hands in front of her face at least.

First things first.

A grunt of pain as she turned from the awkward position she’d wound up in and sit up slightly, but despite her attempt to be careful, a shooting pain from her left thigh made her gasp and clutch at her leg. A rough section of nearly-destroyed armor and a sudden gushing of blood made her head spin.

The wound was still bleeding, and badly. How long had she been out? How bad was the wound that it was still gushing blood? She probed at it tenderly, wincing, and discovered the problem quickly – a bullet had ripped through her burned and broken armor and was buried deep in the muscle.

Getting shot was nothing new, she thought. Shot she could deal with, as long as it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was. Now to make sure...

_Okay, yeah, that’s pretty bad_ , she thought, touching the wound gingerly.

_Okay. So. I’ve been shot. What else?_

She tried to keep it matter-of-fact so that fear didn’t overwhelm her, removing her now-ruined armor and laying it in a neat pile to her side. In addition to the standard cuts, scrapes, and bruises, she’d been burned on her face and neck, though most of her exposed skin was red and raw underneath the dirt and blood. But where-

_-a flash of red in front of her, an explosion threw her backwards, a scream ripped from her lungs-_

She gasped at the vision, her hands scrabbling for purchase on the smooth metal and finding none. Her heart pounded loud in her chest, eyes wide in the darkness. What the hell had happened to her?!

_Focus_ , she told herself, and as always, she pushed aside the panic that threatened to overwhelm her, even as her nerves screamed at her and her mind rebelled, trying to force her into unconsciousness so her body could begin to repair itself. She pushed back, but she was tired, more than she’d ever been before. She tried to remember the last time she had more than a few hours’ sleep, and her mind went back to her house arrest on the Citadel.

Had it really been that long?

Shepard tried to sit up more without moving her leg too much, and fumbling around in the darkness, she found a piece of metal at an angle where she could lie on it comfortably. That and her slowly returning vision also showed her that the space she was in couldn’t be more than ten or fifteen feet long, and just a few feet high. Lack of significant air flow meant a mostly-enclosed space, possibly underground. It looked as if something had collapsed, burying her in this little chamber. Things seemed sturdy enough; perhaps that was why she hadn’t taken more damage. She considered herself lucky, for once, that she hadn’t been crushed to death.

Unfortunately, she was stuck somewhere dark, with ruined armor and no backup, as far as she could tell. Things could get real interesting.

“Kai-” she tried, but her throat was dry and her voice came out as little more than a whisper. She wished for water, but knew that wish would only get more desperate as she continued to be trapped here. “Kaidan?” she called, a little louder this time. “Garrus?”

No response. No echoes, no sounds of any kind. Nothing.

She was alone.

Never stopped her before.

_This leg, on the other hand_.. _._

She narrowed her eyes and bent over the wound to examine it more closely. Now she was sure – the bullet had gone too deep in her leg for her to get it out. She knew leaving it in place would cause serious problems, but...

_Better than bleeding to death,_ she thought, setting her jaw in determination and digging at the charred remains of her armor. The first two medigel capsules she pried out had broken when she – fell? She still wasn’t sure. The little that remained of the precious contents were smeared onto the burns on her face, and while it certainly wasn’t as effective without the built-in delivery system in her armor, she felt the relief immediately.

The third capsule was the last one she had, and she pulled it out to see a hole where nearly half the gel had been lost. But even this was more than the others had, and thankfully, it was enough to at least stop the bleeding on her leg.

She reached down to apply the healing gel, but paused a moment. Even as her leg screamed in agony and her brain knew that she had to do this or she would die of blood loss, she could tell how bad the wound was, and that this wasn’t enough to heal it fully, especially with the bullet so deeply imbedded in her leg.

_No choice, Shepard,_ she reminded herself. _Have to live long enough to get back to the doctors._

The medigel covered the surface of the wound, shaking fingers spreading the gel as best she could, the relief instantaneous and so powerful she almost wept.

Shepard collapsed back against the metal, gasping for air and her head swimming. As the last rays of sunlight disappeared over the horizon, blackness crept up on Shepard, too, and she slipped into an uneasy rest.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan awoke to a bright light.

He squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head away and groaning quietly. His head hurt with a stabbing, sharp pain, more intense than even his worst implant-induced migraine – not to mention the rest of him, especially his shoulder, but at least that pain was more distant, like it was someone else’s body.

Gradually, he became more aware of his surroundings. Groans and whimpers of pain, too-bright lights, the roughness of the sheets beneath him, a chill in the air despite blankets, the smell of antiseptic and medigel. He was no longer wearing his armor, instead clad in a t-shirt and long, comfortable pants, neither of which felt familiar.

He’d been hospitalized enough times to know that’s where he’d wound up. But where? And how?

He paused to listen again. A lack of explosions and an unfamiliar quiet... London was no longer under attack.

They’d won. He didn’t know how, couldn’t remember winning or even coming close to it.

What the hell had happened?

And where was Shepard?

Thethought of her name was enough to make him force his eyes open, and though he gasped with pain at the light, he turned his head to look at his surroundings. The tent walls, piles of rubble, and unevenly placed beds crowded everywhere around showed him that he was only half right about it being a hospital – if his mind had been working properly, he would have realized that the Reapers had hit the hospitals early on.

Wounded soldiers surrounded him, crammed into the limited space and laid on every flat surface the staff could find, including collapsed walls that had been hastily covered with blankets to provide a modicum of comfort; he considered himself very fortunate to be one of the few with an actual bed.

 _The perks of rank,_ he thought, struggling to sit up against the weight in his head that threatened to drag him back onto the bed and unconsciousness. He leaned heavily on his elbows, his vision swimming, as he looked around the room.

Doctors and nurses walked around, checking on their patients and talking in quiet murmurs to each other, so engrossed in their work that they hadn’t noticed him yet. Most of the soldiers were unmoving, though a few shifted and groaned in pain. None of them looked familiar, and they were all human, so they must be keeping the others elsewhere. He hoped the alien crewmembers were all right, but right now – always – his foremost thought was for Shepard.

He leaned back down on the bed, his mind racing as he tried his best to block out the sounds of the hospital so he could focus. Why wasn’t she there? Maybe she wasn’t hurt-

_-a blinding beam of red light, a thunderous explosion as the ground was ripped from beneath him, a glimpse of Shepard covering her head before he was thrown backwards and everything went black-_

He gasped, his eyes forced open again as he stared sightlessly up at the ceiling of the hospital tent.

She _was_ hurt. Where the hell was she?

“-needs bed rest for now,” a distant voice said, and he turned his head to see two men talking quietly near the tent entrance. “The most important thing right now is giving him time to recover, so don’t let anyone drag him off for debriefing. And until that skull fracture heals, we can’t do anything about his implant.”

“Yes sir.” A pause. “Sir, I...”

“What’s the problem?”

“It’s- well. The patient is Major Alenko, sir. From Commander Shepard’s crew.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“I- I just think it’ll be difficult to keep him here, sir. After what happened to the Commander...”

His heart stopped.

“I understand. I’ll authorize you to use some of the sedatives if he starts getting too upset, but go easy on them, we’re running low.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Dismissed.”

_No. No no no._

Kaidan struggled to sit up again, his heart pounding in his chest and his head spinning.

“Where is she?!”

He tried to yell, but his voice came out as a strangled cry that sounded more heartbroken than angry. The doctor and his assistant had been leaving the tent, but they turned around and hurried over to his side. Despite the cool weather, sweat had broken out on his forehead, and his hands clenched at the blankets they’d piled on him.

“Major, you need to lie down,” the nurse said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He pushed back against him as best he could in his weakened state, as the doctor stood to one side and frowned. “I’m not-”

“You’ve been badly injured, Major Alenko. Try not to get so upset.”

“Upset?! This is not upset! But if you don’t tell me where the hell she is, _then_ you’ll see upset!”

“Alenko.”

Admiral Hackett’s voice shocked them all into silence. His back straight, looking every inch the unflappable admiral, he walked into the tent like he was stepping into the parliament chambers on Arcturus Station, instead of a dirty medic station in the middle of a war zone. The semi-conscious wounded tried to sit up and salute, but he shook his head and waved them off with an “At ease.”

Kaidan ignored the order, saluting as best he could, though his shoulder screamed in protest. “Admiral, good to see you made it through the fight.”

“You too, Major,” he replied, his arms behind his back in a standard military pose. “The doctors didn’t know for a while there if you were going to make it.”

“What happened?”

Hackett leveled a stare at him. “What do you remember?”

He shook his head, but regretted the action immediately, wincing and placing a hand on his forehead. “Shepard, Garrus, and I were... We were running for the beam. Something exploded?”

“Harbinger shot you,” Hackett replied. Kaidan was grateful that he didn’t sugarcoat it, but still grimaced at his words. “You were thrown into a wall and it collapsed on top of you. Rescue teams went in and found you not long after.”

“How long since-”

“Nineteen hours.”

“Christ, that long?” He shook his head. “And the others? Are they all right?”

“Vakarian got burned pretty bad, but they found him quickly enough that medigel took care of most of it, he’ll be fine. The rest of your squad, nothing too serious.”

He wanted to look away, but he held Hackett’s gaze. “Where is she?”

The doctor and his assistant had taken a few steps back while they spoke, giving them the smallest amount of privacy, but a glance from Hackett and they wordlessly returned to his bedside.

He tried to ignore them, focusing on Hackett. “Admiral, I have to know. Please.”

“I’m sorry, Major. Shepard and Anderson made it to the beam and into the Citadel. I spoke with her briefly, she activated the Crucible, and...” He sighed, taking off his hat, and looking at it in his hands. “The Citadel’s gone.”

“What do you mean ‘gone?’”

“We think that powering the Crucible took whatever energy was holding it together. It fell apart right after the Reapers were destroyed, and pieces have been coming through the atmosphere since. Seems like we made it through the worst of it, it’s just cleanup from here on out.”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All those people, gone. Millions more added to the list of dead in this war. “And Shepard?”

“She was on the Citadel when the Crucible activated. We’ve been keeping frequencies open and listening for distress calls, but... there’s been no word from her.” He took a step closer, reaching out to grasp Kaidan’s shoulder. “I know you two were close. I’m sorry for your loss, son.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head and pulling back. “She can’t be. You’re wrong. She could have survived-”

“Maybe, but where is she now?” Hackett asked, not unkindly. “A good portion of the Citadel floated off into space. And even if she didn’t, she might not have made it through the atmosphere, and a lot of pieces have been falling into the ocean. The chance that she survived-”

“But she could have!” Kaidan insisted. He was shaking, his whole body trembling.

“I’m sorry, Major, there’s just no way-”

He ignored him, pulling the blankets off and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “She’s alive, Admiral. She has to be. I’m not letting her go until I see her- her body.” His voice cracked, but he pushed on.

The doctor and nurse stepped in, trying to restrain him. “Major Alenko, you can’t get up yet, your head-”

That just made him struggle more. “I have to find her, she could be out there hurt somewhere! You can’t just expect me to-”

The doctor jammed a needle in his arm, shocking him, and suddenly the exhaustion he’d been feeling before was multiplied a thousandfold.

“I’m sorry, Major, but it’s for your own safety,” he heard him say, but it was like listening through a wall, muted and slow, not quite human. He struggled against the sedation, pushing at the doctor until he couldn’t push anymore, and he felt himself being laid back down on the bed.

“Find Shepard,” he managed to whisper.

The last thing he saw before darkness swept over him was Hackett’s stoic face. “I’m sorry, Alenko,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, but she’s gone.”

***

Kaidan hadn’t even realized he was awake when he heard a rumbly chuckle from beside him. “It’s about time. I wondered if you were going to sleep all day.”

He groaned and stirred, forcing open eyes that would have much rather stayed closed to see Garrus, looking awkward as he sat next to his bed in a folding chair clearly not made for turians. His skin was rougher than normal and covered in a thick layer of medigel and some bandages, and his armor was covered in scrapes and burns. None of them had made it through this without scars.

“Garrus,” he managed, his voice rough, but he tried to force a smile. His friend handed him a bottle of water, which he drank from gratefully, easing his dry throat and cracked lips. “Good to see you.”

“Same to you. They told me you knocked your head pretty badly when we got hit. Glad you made it.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Heard you might be coming around.” He’d gotten much better at reading turians, but this time he didn’t even have to – Garrus’s voice gave it all away. He was worried. “Hackett came to see me, said you might need someone familiar nearby when you woke up.”

They locked eyes for a long moment, and Kaidan felt a pang of betrayal in his heart at the pity in his expression. “You too, Garrus? You really believe she’s dead?” he asked, surprised at how cold his voice sounded. “After everything she’s survived?” She couldn’t be. Not again.

Garrus sighed. “Kaidan-”

He turned away, the pain in his head making him wince. “Don’t. She’s out there, Garrus. She needs us.”

“Ah, Major Alenko, I see you’re back with us!” a new doctor’s voice said. He couldn’t see her, but he refused to turn back and see that look of sympathy again. “How are you feeling?”

He barked a bitter laugh. “How do you think.”

“Based on your injuries, probably not very well at all!” she replied. “Let’s see here... Looks like you broke your collarbone and your shoulder.”

“Didn’t you get your shoulder broken on Mars?” Garrus asked.

He didn’t reply, but the nurse was helpful. “The fracture hadn’t completely healed, and getting thrown into that wall broke it again, unfortunately. You also fractured your skull and further damaged your implant.”

 _That_ made him take notice, and he turned around to see the petite brunette standing at his bedside, looking over the datapad in her hands. “What’s wrong with it now?”

“Oh don’t worry, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” she smiled, her blue eyes crinkling in the corners. She didn’t look much like a doctor, clad in street clothes without even an ID badge to provide credentials, but, he supposed, at this point, they couldn’t afford to be picky about uniforms. “Unfortunately, we will need to operate. But you fractured your skull as well, so we need to wait until that heals to get in there. You’ll need to avoid using your biotics until then, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” He turned away again, staring at the tent wall and trying to cope with the ache in his heart.

“Do you need anything?” she asked, looking at him with concern. “How’s your head feeling? Any dizziness?”

“It’s fine.”

“I really need you to cooperate so I can help you get better, okay? Come on now, Major.”

“I said it’s fine.”

A sigh. “If something is wrong-”

“It doesn’t matter!” he snapped, turning back to look at her. His vision swam for a moment, but he ignored it. Garrus’s mandibles flared in surprise and the doctor looked a little hurt at his outburst, and his anger drained away to be replaced with a crushing sadness. “It doesn’t matter. She’s out there somewhere, she could be hurt or dying or _dead_ already and I’m here. Safe. _Again._ ”

She nodded slowly, then glanced at Garrus. They exchanged a look, and she left without another word.

The turian sighed and moved his chair closer to the bed, its legs scraping on the rubble beneath them. “Kaidan... You know she wouldn’t want you to give up.”

“I’m not.”

He blinked in surprise. “What do you mean?”

He met Garrus’s eyes. “I’m not giving up on her.”

"Not- not on her," Garrus shifted in his chair, looking intently at him. "I mean on the rest of your life, Kaidan. Just because she's gone-"

“She’s not gone. Not until I see her. I can’t-” His voice wavered, and he struggled to get it under control. “I won’t believe she’s dead until we find her.”

He shook his head. “I’ve been out there, Kaidan. There are pieces of the Citadel everywhere, and she could be under any of them. And most of it didn’t even fall here – a lot went into the ocean, or floated away.”

“I know.” He sighed, leaning back to stare up at the tent ceiling and run a hand through his hair. “I know. But... I have to try,” he said, the desperation he was feeling clear in his voice. “I can’t just lay here thinking she might be out there. And I can’t go the rest of my life wondering if I could have found her if I’d just looked.”

They were silent for a long time, lost in their own little worlds inside the medical tent, consumed with thoughts of Shepard.

“You’re right,” Garrus finally said, and Kaidan stared at him in surprise. “After everything she’s done for us...” He met his eyes again. “Damn the odds. If anyone could have survived that, it’s her.”

“Damn right.” He managed a smile.

“You feeling up for a prison break?”

He grinned. That feeling of emptiness had been pushed aside for now. But he knew if he had a moment to think about what probably happened, it would return, stronger than ever, and the support of a friend might not be enough to push it away. “Never felt better.”`


	3. Chapter 3

She dreamt of Kaidan.

She’d been dreaming too much lately, too many painful memories of friends and the millions of people she couldn’t save. Her mind knew that they weren’t all her fault, that she couldn’t take responsibility for every being killed by the Reapers.

But her heart wasn’t convinced, tormenting her for the few hours she was able to sleep. Nameless, faceless people from Earth. Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion. Her own father, whose ship had been destroyed over Elysium shortly after Earth was attacked.

This time, the only one she saw was him.

They sat on a bench, simply looking at each other, her hand held in his, as the scenery faded in around them. Though her pain-wracked body was sleeping fitfully on Earth, her dream-self felt better than ever – healthy, rested, more relaxed than she had in years, and she wondered how much of that was due to the man sitting next to her.

Around them was a beautiful, grassy park with flowers that bloomed before her eyes, though all the colors seemed muted compared to the blue of Kaidan’s uniform, the warm brown of his eyes. No other soul was in sight, but right now, she didn’t mind the thought of a world with only the two of them in it.

“Just for us,” he said, squeezing her hand. She knew it was a dream, but the warmth of his hand on hers was so real that she wished she could forget that fact.

“We deserve a break,” she told him firmly.

He chuckled, a sound she just couldn’t get enough of. “You’re not done fighting yet.”

“The Reapers are gone, the galaxy’s fine,” she smiled, reaching over to touch his cheek. “We’ll finally have some time to ourselves. You think the Alliance will give us a few months of shore leave?”

“We can’t, Shepard.” He shook his head. “We have too much left to do.”

“I was thinking maybe Hawaii- wait, what?”

A pounding in her head, a stab of pain that made her wince and close her eyes, touching her forehead with one hand. When her eyes opened, she found the scenery around them had changed to the rocky coastline of Rannoch.

“Look, Shepard.”

A few quarians and geth faded in to view, talking without sound, but as she watched, the discussion got more and more heated until both groups were on the brink of pulling their weapons.

“They’ve been at war for centuries,” Kaidan said, gesturing to the scene with one hand. “How can they be expected to get along without problems? Sharing a planet will just make it worse. And who understands them better than you? Who can negotiate peace like you can?”

“I’m no diplomat,” she replied with a wave of her hand. “They’ll figure it out.”

“Without your help?”

She didn’t know how to reply to that, and before she could come up with an answer, a stab of anguish in her leg made her gasp and clutch at it, even in her dream. She took deep breaths and squeezed her eyes shut against the pain, and it took a few moments for her to manage it. Her head hurt more than her worst headache, but she forced herself to ignore it. By the time she looked up, the setting around her changed had from Rannoch’s coasts to the rocky wastelands of Tuchanka. The ruins of buildings made by ancient krogan dominated the scene, the little plant life that grew there providing the only color.

“Mordin cured the krogan. There’s nothing for me to do here,” she protested.

“You know how the krogan are – who do they have to fight now? What will stop them from taking over the galaxy again?”

“Wrex and Bakara are going to change that,” she shot back.

“Maybe,” he said, but sounded doubtful. “But the way they breed... Do you really think they can control a few billion of them?”

“Have you _met_ Wrex?”

“They’re krogan, Shepard. They’ve got thousand-year lifespans and plenty of reasons to hate everyone else in the galaxy.”

“Just because they hate them doesn’t mean they’re going to kill them. They’re not mindless animals; they’ll listen to reason.”

“When you talk to them, they listen. Otherwise...?” He looked at her with pity. “You’ve proven yourself to them, Shepard. You can talk sense into them when they start wanting revenge again.”

“It’s not-”

“-your responsibility? Of course it is. You cured them. That makes them your responsibility. They all are. Look.”

Then, darkness.

“Kaidan, where-” she began, but she was silenced as the rest of the picture faded into view.

The battle against the Reapers.

She could identify the ships of all the races she’d brought together, more than she’d ever seen, more than anyone ever had. The Reapers decimated them, cutting through the strongest armor with a single blast.

And in the middle of it all, the Citadel.

The pair of them were still on their park bench, somehow, and she glanced over at Kaidan, but his eyes remained steadily forward on the unfolding scene. His hand remained around hers, the only warmth in the cold emptiness surrounding them, and she looked back at the battle.

Shepard knew, suddenly, that her body was on the Citadel, knew without a doubt that she had made it through the beam, that she was about to activate the Crucible-

-and there it went, a beam of red light not unlike the Reapers’ own destructive cannons shot out from the Citadel, hitting a Reaper that she knew without knowing was Harbinger and rocketing from one to another to another-

-and they were gone.

And so was the Citadel.

Without any fanfare, the structure simply collapsed, falling to pieces as if all the energy holding it together had been expended – which, Shepard realized, may actually have been what happened.

 _All those people,_ she thought, her heavy heart shattering as a surge of pain from her temples made her gasp and tightly squeeze Kaidan’s hand for support.

If she’d only known that was the cost...

 _I’d have done the same damn thing,_ she thought.

“You saved them.”

“I _killed_ them.”

“Not them,” he said, releasing her hand. “Them.” He gestured to the fleet, at Earth, at the billions of people on planets too far to see that had survived an extinction cycle going back untold millennia. “They’re all alive because of you.”

“Because of _us_ ,” she replied. “They don’t need me anymore. They’re safe.”

“Not yet.”

Blinding pain from her head, this time combined with sudden pain in her leg, that familiar and horrible feeling of taking a bullet without armor. By the time she was able to look up again, the scenery was flashing by so quickly that it was like flipping through a photo album. People were rebuilding Earth, but without Anderson or a civilian government left alive to help organize everything. Palaven and Thessia in ruins, their long histories destroyed. Volus, elcor, hanar, drell left struggling to fix their own planets. The price of food and necessities skyrocketing. More crime than limited police forces could handle. Billions left without food, homes, stability, safety.

Endless images of pain, suffering, death. People searched for a leader and found many, too many to choose from. How could they tell who would help, which ones were trustworthy? Who would look out for the peoples’ best interests instead of just taking whatever power they could get?

The pain in her head built more and more with each image, now so intense that she didn’t know how much more she could survive.

“Stop!” she pleaded, grabbing at Kaidan’s uniform. “I can’t-”

“Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, hero of the Battle of the Citadel, destroyer of the Collectors and the Reapers? You _can’t?”_ He shook his head.“I know you, Shepard. You can do anything. Including this.”

“I can’t keep doing this. I can’t always be the hero. There are other people they can depend on. I’m just- I’m so _tired._ I need to rest,” she said, almost desperately, her voice cracking. “I’m a soldier. The Reapers are gone; my fight is over.”

“The fight’s never over,” he told her, a sad smile on his face. “Keep fighting, Shepard. You said you’d be waiting for me, so don’t you dare give up before I find you.”

“I love you, Kaidan Alenko.” Tears welled up in her eyes, and she reached up to scrub them away with the back of a hand. “I can’t live without you. You know that, right?”

He reached up to take her hands, gently wiping away her tears. “You’ll never have to, Shepard. But that goes both ways – the galaxy can’t go on without you.” He leaned forward to kiss her at last. “And neither can I.”

Shepard awoke with a gasp, eyes wide and heart pounding. She had no idea how much time had passed, but it didn’t nothing had changed. Her leg and head were still in agony, her mouth and throat dry from lack of water, her whole body in pain from the punishments she’d been dealt in the past few weeks, and her heart ached.

 _He’s alive,_ she thought stubbornly. _He wouldn’t leave me behind._

But the images she’d seen in her dream sprang back to her mind unbidden, and her heart sank. How could he have survived that? She was lucky to be alive herself.

No, he probably didn’t make it. Couldn’t have, really. Disintegrated by Harbinger’s blast as they ran for the beam, his mind destroyed by a Banshee, torn apart by a Brute, shot by a Marauder.

 _He’s gone,_ she thought, tears coming to her eyes. __

She reached down to touch her injured leg, burning to the touch; her bruised and battered skull, making her vision swim even when she wasn’t moving; the burns covering her skin, making every moment torturous.

At least she wouldn’t have to live without him for long.

She laid her head back down against the metal she’d laid on, staring up at the blackness above her. The metal which, according to her dream, was a broken piece of the Citadel.

She hated it, but she knew her dream was right about that, at least. Her memories may have been fuzzy – she probably had a concussion, among other things – but that part of the dream rang true.

The other things Kaidan had said... She didn’t know what to think, and trying to puzzle out her feelings was a constant struggle, like rowing against a current that threatened to overwhelm her at any moment.

Some things he’d said made sense, she supposed. She was a fighter, always had been, and she did seem to have the ear of most races. But every minute that passed made the details of the dream harder to remember, and soon, the only clear part was Kaidan saying that he and the galaxy couldn’t go on without her. And his kiss...

As her eyes began to drift closed again, a small, rational part of her mind worried that she might never open them again. But, she thought, a little smile on her lips as she slipped back into unconsciousness, at least her last few moments would be spent with the man she loved. 


	4. Chapter 4

After convincing Kaidan to try to sleep for a few hours, Garrus made plans.

His friend was right, of course – they’d regret it forever if they didn’t search the wreckage of the Citadel for Shepard. Though he wished otherwise, he was too logical to think they’d find anything.

Kaidan would want to be out there searching the second he woke up, with no thought in his mind but Shepard’s safety, and he couldn’t blame him – the man had lost her once already, and Garrus worried about what would happen if he’d lost her again. But he knew Kaidan never could think clearly where Shepard was concerned, and if they actually wanted to have a chance of finding her, they needed to organize their efforts.

So he went to Hackett.

“I doubt you’ll find many bodies in that wreckage, much less Shepard’s,” the Admiral said, looking up from the datapad in his hand. Garrus had tracked him down in one of the temporary command centers, where he coordinated several search and rescue efforts, dispatched a squadron of marines to escort civilians to a safe zone, and ignored the cold sandwich an aide had set on his desk.

“I know.”

“Thought you might. And Alenko?”

“That’s... hard to say.”

Hackett gave him a sidelong glance, and Garrus couldn’t help his mandibles flaring. “You know them better than anyone, and if you can tell me anything, I’ll do what I can to get you some help.” He set the datapad down on his desk, sighing and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I’m gonna be honest with you here, Vakarian. Alenko is a hell of a soldier. He’s a hero people can look up to. And right now, humanity needs to know that some of its heroes survived this fight.”

He hesitated, but nodded. “I’m not sure how well you knew Kaidan before...”

“Not as well as I should have,” Hackett admitted. “Shepard’s crew was more Anderson’s territory.”

“After Shepard died, saying ‘Kaidan didn’t take it well’ would be a hell of an understatement. Cut off contact with all of us, threw himself into work-”

“That I know. Horizon didn’t go well because the colonists didn’t trust the Alliance, not because he wasn’t working hard enough.”

Garrus paused, turning and pacing for a moment. On one hand, he felt like he was betraying his friend’s trust. On the other, he and Shepard weren’t exactly secretive about their relationship. “I’m sure you’re aware that he and Shepard are close.”

Hackett nodded.

“Honestly, Admiral? Once he realizes he’s lost her again...” Garrus’s stomach churned at the thought – Kaidan wasn’t the only one who wouldn’t take it well once all hope was truly gone. “This time, I doubt any of us will be able to make him want to stay.”

“On Earth? Or...”

He shook his head.

Hackett swore under his breath. “You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Understood.” He turned back to his datapad, flipping through screens before tapping on the display a few times. “I’ll have a dozen marines ready to help you in an hour.”

He blinked. “Just like that?”

“Problem, Vakarian?” The corners of Hackett’s mouth quirked in what was almost a smile.

Garrus couldn’t help a laugh, though it sounded more tired than he’d have liked. “Just thought it’d be harder than that.”

Hackett reached down to pick up his datapad again. “You and Shepard won this war for us,” he said. “It’s past time the rest of us did something for you.”

***

“You know he shouldn’t be doing this.”

A woman’s voice chided Garrus as he approached the field hospital, and he turned toward the sound to see the little brown-haired doctor from earlier smoking a cigarette near the entrance. Apparently Hackett’s orders allowing Kaidan to leave had gone through, and she didn’t look pleased, crossing her arms and staring him down.

“Not my call,” he replied.

“No, it isn’t,” she agreed. “And it isn’t Admiral Hackett’s, either.” She sighed, taking a long drag of her cigarette. “Look, I’m sorry about Commander Shepard. And I appreciate what you did and all the sacrifices you made. I really do. But speaking as his doctor, Major Alenko should not be leaving the hospital. He almost died twenty-four hours ago, and you dragging him out on a wild goose chase for her body will just make it harder for him to realize she’s gone.”

Before this, Garrus might have argued with her, might have told her how she didn’t know him or Kaidan or how they all felt about Shepard, filled with righteous anger at her dismissal of Shepard and that she didn’t trust them to do what was best.

But now, he just felt empty.

“Nothing could make this harder than it already is,” he said, and stepped past her into the tent.

Kaidan was exactly where he’d last seen him, but he’d changed into a set of ill-fitting Alliance blues. He was trying to finish some kind of protein bar, though his heart clearly wasn’t in it, as a nurse stood nearby to make sure he ate.

“Feeling all right, Kaidan?” he asked. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the doctor duck inside the tent.

“I’ll be better once we’ve found her,” he replied. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, trying to stand, but his knees started to give out the instant he put his weight on them. Garrus reached out to catch him before he fell over, but Kaidan leaned back against the bed to steady himself. Their eyes met for a second, a silent question in Garrus’s gaze, but Kaidan shook his head. “It’s fine,” he insisted.

He nodded, and he followed Kaidan out, allowing him to set the pace.

“Be careful, Major,” the doctor said, hands on her hips as she watched him wobble toward the exit. “Don’t push yourself too hard. You have serious head trauma-”

“Shepard’s out there,” he replied, meeting her eyes. “I’m not coming back until I find her.”

She sighed and nodded, and he turned and pushed through the tent flap.

Garrus followed without a word, but the doctor’s hand shot out and grabbed his elbow, stopping him in place. She locked eyes with him, her cold blue accusatory even before she spoke. “I hope you know what you’re doing. Trust me when I say that doing this could kill him.”

He yanked his arm free and glared down at her, trying to keep a hold on all the emotions he’d bottled up. “You’re trying to keep him alive. That’s fine. But so am I. We’re Shepard’s crew, and trust _me_ when I tell you that we take care of each other.” __

He glanced out after his friend, standing at the edge of one of the very few mostly-cleared streets of London as people rushed past. His shoulders were slumped, and though Garrus couldn’t see his face, he knew exactly how he looked.

Hopeless.

“Staying here _would_ kill him,” he said quietly, then pushed past her after Kaidan.

Hackett was better than his word – the marines were waiting outside the hospital by the time Garrus joined Kaidan, and they all recognized the two of them, offering thanks and congratulations on the victory. They accepted it as best they could, but Garrus hung back, allowing Kaidan to receive the majority of the attention.

Once they’d all started walking toward the area where most of the Citadel rubble had come to earth, they realized that the marines wouldn’t be the only ones to notice them. Everyone was busy with their assigned tasks, but they all saw the two of them anyway – being flanked by a dozen marines probably didn’t do any favors there. People would stop to salute, smile, or offer a word of thanks. He and Kaidan exchanged a glance. Was this what it was going to be like?

His omnitool beeped with a message, and he waved for the group to pause at the next corner.

“Can’t believe you got me out of there,” Kaidan said. He’d looked fine while walking, though he was definitely moving slower than normal. He leaned back against a collapsed wall, casually catching his breath, and Garrus joined him. “Getting out of a hospital and ignoring a doctor’s orders, Hackett pulling strings, and a dozen marines for heavy lifting? Wish we could’ve gotten this kind of help sooner.”

“Now that everyone’s safe, people will have more ‘help’ for you than you’ll know what to do with,” Garrus replied, glancing down at his omnitool again.

“That how it was on Omega?”

“Fortunately, no. The ‘Archangel’ thing helped, and my face and contact information weren’t shown on every extranet site,” he replied, making Kaidan smile. “And the people on Omega didn’t exactly have a lot to give. These people... Everyone’s going to do favors for you now, Kaidan. Just remember that they’re all going to want something in return.”

“If they can help me find Shepard, I’ll do whatever the hell they want.”

“I doubt we’ll need their help.” He pushed off the wall to smile down the street. “We’re a pretty self-sufficient bunch.” The rest of the Normandy crew was walking toward them, the setting sun behind them casting long shadows down the street.

“Everybody?” Kaidan asked, actual surprise in his voice.

Garrus turned and caught his eye. “We’re not giving up on her.”

He smiled as the others approached. “Good to see you all made it.”

They had, but not without scars. Liara’s arm was in a sling, her shoulder dislocated when she’d barely caught herself before being thrown off a roof; Vega walked with a crutch, his foot and lower leg in a brace after part of a wall had collapsed on top of him; Javik’s left side was covered in medigel and bandages for burns from jumping between a civilian and an explosion; Tali’s suit had been hastily repaired after a frag grenade had gone off close, too close, and she had a fever and other internal problems from the suit punctures. Even Wrex had joined them, sporting a few new scars that Garrus was sure he’d hear stories about later. Joker was the last to arrive, followed by EDI, looking almost comical carrying a huge backpack of supplies in each hand.

They all stood together for a long moment. Krogan, turian, asari, quarian, prothean, AI, and human, but a family nonetheless.

The Reapers were gone. They’d saved their worlds, their galaxy, once and for all time. But they’d gone through so much and lost so many in the process.

Was being the hero worth it? Garrus wondered, and he hated not knowing the answer, but there were too many faces missing from their group, too many losses for any of them to bear alone. For a moment, he’d swear he’d caught a glimpse of a human’s dark hair and scarred white armor, a salarian’s broken horn, a drell’s black eyes and quirked smile, a geth’s bright light and N7 armor. But he knew they couldn’t be there, and all he saw were slumped shoulders, exhaustion, the look of those who hadn’t slept well in months.

No one spoke, just sharing a moment of silence for everyone they’d lost. But it felt, too, like they were waiting for something, and Garrus realized how they were all so used to Shepard being there. She was supposed to say something, to make a speech and raise the spirits of those who thought they didn’t have any more to give, as she had so many times before.

He thought back to when he was chasing Sidonis, how he was so consumed by his need for vengeance, but Shepard had been there to stop him and remind him who he was, who he was supposed to be. He thought of Tali’s near-exile from the fleet, saved by Shepard’s righteous fury at the admirals for daring to hurt one of her crew. He thought of Grunt’s confusion about who he was before Shepard helped him join Clan Urdnot, of Liara’s desperate search for her friend trapped by the Shadow Broker, of Wrex’s desire to save his people and Mordin’s need for redemption. He remembered the look of anguish on Kaidan’s face when he saw Shepard again on Horizon, and their breathless grins when they’d come back after their date on the Citadel.

Shepard had made everything they’d done possible, and he couldn’t imagine how different, how _wrong_ everything would be without her.

Kaidan finally broke the silence, clearing his throat quietly, and they all turned to look at him. “Let’s go find her,” was all he said, and the group moved as one toward the remains of the Citadel. 


	5. Chapter 5

Joker felt useless on the ground.

When he sat in his chair on the Normandy, he was invincible. The Alliance had never lacked pilots, but none of the others could make the ship dance like he could, as he’d told Shepard a lifetime ago. His hands flew over the panels, feeling the surprisingly delicate balance and tilt as he manipulated the controls, the movement of the ship an extension of himself. Though he’d never admit it, he sometimes thought the Normandy was more his body than this fragile, practically pointless bundle of bones he was trapped in.

He hated to leave her, especially when every step he took was a reminder that he could barely even walk on his own, and every glance at his companions a painful reminder of how little he could do to help them.

EDI seemed to sense his mood. Some shadow in his eyes or a twinge of pain in his expression, maybe – an infinite number of tells that he still didn’t know about himself but was sure she’d figured out long ago.

She reached over to gently grasp his hand. “I’m glad you’re here, Jeff,” she said, and he believed her.

Had she calculated the exact number of degrees to tilt the corners of her mouth upward when she smiled? Did she know ahead of time that this one would make his heart thump loudly against his chest and make him forget some of his anxiety? Did she even realize how strongly she affected him?

“Not that I’m much help,” he muttered in reply, pulling away and pointing his flashlight around. A bloody arm was sticking out from underneath another large piece of rubble, and his stomach churned at the sight, making him grateful he hadn’t been able to eat.

“Can you clarify?” she asked, immediately stepping in to move the debris aside, lifting the massive slab without a moment’s pause and revealing three burned and broken bodies.

“I’m not exactly great at the heavy lifting, EDI,” he pointed out, fighting his nausea and kneeling next to them. One body was vaguely the same size and build as... as the one they were looking for, he thought, unable to even think her name.

“But I am,” she replied. “We complement each other’s skills in various ways, this being one of them. Both of us lifting the rubble would be redundant.”

She had a point, he thought, but he was sure she knew that already. The DNA scanner on his omnitool beeped once, and he shook his head, his heart falling. He wasn’t disappointed, exactly. He’d much rather find Shepard alive than- than how she probably was, but they’d all rather have something to bury, some kind of closure, instead of wondering and wishing for the rest of their lives.

They’d come out to the area of London where the majority of the Citadel had fallen, broken into millions of pieces by the Conduit and its entry through the atmosphere. The crew and a few marines on loan from Hackett had been here for hours, searching by the light of omnitools and the stars, looking methodically under each piece of the broken Citadel. Most of the country was utterly without power, but the lack of light pollution just served to let the stars shine brighter, twinkling brightly above them as if the whole big galaxy out there was watching and rooting for them.

He hoped they were, at least. He looked around, seeing miles of rubble stretching before him. Most of the Citadel had flown into space, but a few small sections, broken into pieces by their entry into the atmosphere, had landed near London and further out, toward and into the ocean.

He was sure that it was a relatively small percentage of the Citadel that had actually made it to the ground, but looking out over what seemed like miles of rubble, he couldn’t quite convince himself of that. At least it had all landed together, instead of being spread out over half the continent, but...

“Hey. Anything?”

Garrus approached at a slow pace, a little flashlight drone following behind one shoulder, lighting his way and obscuring his face in shadows.

“Not yet.”

“Damn.” He activated his omnitool and pulled up a map of the terrain. He’d spent the first half hour walking around the area and constructing the map, and he was using it to keep track of the areas they’d already searched, ensuring that they didn’t miss anywhere or check anything twice.

Joker was impressed by how well Garrus was coordinating this. He’d always known the turian was pretty intense, but after Hackett had let them know Shepard’s fate...

_“What the hell do you mean she’s ‘gone?’” Vega had demanded. He’d started to stand, but the moment he put weight on his shattered foot inside the cast, he grimaced in pain and sat back down. Sitting next to him, Liara had reached over with her good arm and squeezed his shoulder, but Vega pulled away, his face contorted in rage. “She fired the Crucible and saved your asses, and you couldn’t bother keeping track of her after that? What the hell happened to her?!”_

_Seven of them sat together in the small, windowless room in one of the few buildings that still stood after the Reapers destroyed most of London. It looked like it was once an office – white walls, few decorations, and a sterile, un-lived in feeling that made him almost claustrophobic, despite spending almost all his time on board a ship. The lack of windows and tight quarters were not a good combination. Add to that the picture sitting on the desk of a happy family that was almost certainly dead, and he would rather have been anywhere else._

_“When’s the last time you heard from her?” Tali sat next to Garrus. She hadn’t left his side since she’d helped the rescue teams pull him out of the rubble, and she clung to his arm like he was the only thing keeping her from drowning. Joker, sitting next to EDI with her hand in his, totally understood how she felt._

_“She and Anderson made it through the beam and into the Citadel.” He took off his hat. “She opened the ward arms and the Crucible connected, but nothing happened. I contacted her through her armor comm. system-”_

_“If that is working, then use it again, human,” Javik snapped, all four eyes narrowed with suspicion. “Even these simple armors you use must have some kind of tracking device built in.”_

_“We’ve tried.” He sighed. “Shepard must have figured out how to activate the weapon, but we haven’t been able to reach her again. And with the Citadel destroyed...”_

_Silence in the room. No one could meet anyone else’s eyes, or even looked up from the ground – except Joker, who watched the others as he always did, trying to distract himself from thoughts of “this time she’s really gone” and “she needed me” and “I could have saved her.”_

_“The Commander is officially missing in action, but I’m afraid things don’t look good.” Hackett paused and looked around, slowly meeting each of their eyes. “I’m sorry.”_

_Liara’s voice cracked in a broken cry, and she buried her face in her hands, sobbing. And like that sound was the sign, everyone with tear ducts was crying. Garrus had wrapped his arms around Tali, whose body shook silently as she clung to him. The turian’s face betrayed no emotion as he held her, murmuring quiet nonsense._

_At least they were all together, but everyone was a mess. Joker was very, very glad that Kaidan was still in the hospital – his friend would need to be alone, to take some time to process the fact that Shepard was- that she might not be coming back._

It had just gone downhill from there, and the rest of them had slowly been falling to pieces. They could barely support each other.

Only Garrus had left the group’s company for any significant amount of time, after Hackett had come to ask someone to keep Kaidan company when he woke up.

 _“I don’t think Major Alenko should be alone when he comes to,”_ Hackett had said. “ _He needs someone_.”

But Joker wondered if the Admiral knew how wrong he was. Kaidan didn’t need _someone,_ he needed Shepard. And if Kaidan didn’t get Shepard back, he doubted the Alliance would get Kaidan back, sane or otherwise.

That, Joker completely understood.

Garrus remained the only one who had kept it together.

 _Or maybe he’s just better at hiding it than the rest of us,_ he thought, pulling his hat off and running a hand through his hair.

“Anyone else having any luck?” he asked, blindly reaching over to grasp EDI’s hand.

Garrus shook his head. “Nothing yet. A lot of bodies, but...” He looked down, going over the maps on his omnitool. “With how much there is to search, and how much of the Citadel was lost, I just don’t know if we’ll find anything.” He sighed. “But don’t spread that around.”

“My lips are sealed.” He glanced over in Kaidan’s direction, where his friend was working with two marines who helped him lift the debris out of the way. “He doing okay?” he asked, jerking his head toward him.

“He’s...” Garrus started, then sighed. “He’s got his omnitool picking up life signs.”

“Shit.”

“He’s not even checking the bodies they find. The marines are, behind his back, but he’s so far gone he hasn’t noticed.”

“Or he doesn’t care.”

“He’s working himself to death, and not taking many breaks, either. With his head the way it is...” Garrus looked over in Kaidan’s direction. “You should have heard the doctor when I checked him out. Something like, ‘what the hell’s wrong with you, this could kill him.’ And ‘it’s your fault if he dies.’ That was in there too.”

He snorted. “Being stuck there while the rest of us looked for her, _that_ would kill him.”

“That’s what I told her. She didn’t really understand.”

“Nobody does,” Joker agreed.

The three of them walked toward the next big piece of the broken Citadel. “We knew her. Know her.” He corrected himself quickly, but Garrus had caught the slip, flinching at the past tense. “But to the rest of them,” he continued quickly, “Shepard’s the big hero. It’s like she’s not even real. Already.”

EDI started to move the rubble, simply listening to their conversation, and Garrus nodded, stepping up to the other side to help. “She was always going to be a legend, but I thought...” He trailed off. “I don’t know. I guess I just hoped at least our generation would remember she was a human, too.”

“At least some of us will,” Joker said. The two moved the rubble with a grunt and a thud, but there weren’t any bodies underneath it, and he wasn’t sure whether to be happy or sad about that. He met his friend’s eyes. “What are we going to do about him?”

There was no question of who he meant, of course, and Garrus knew it. “I wish I knew. Hackett told me he hopes that if we find Shepard’s body, he’ll be able to move on, but-”

Joker barked a laugh. “Hackett’s a damn good admiral, but he doesn’t have a clue what he’s dealing with. If she’s gone-”

“-then so is he.”

Joker winced. “I was gonna say he’ll be too screwed up to be Hackett’s Alliance poster boy. You really think he’d...” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

The expression on Garrus’s face said it all. “You don’t?”

He looked over at Kaidan, who had paused in his search, sitting on a piece of rubble and drinking from a water bottle. “I’m gonna go talk to him.” He paused a moment, hoping they would wish him good luck, but Garrus just turned back to the rubble and continued his work.

Joker had no illusions that this would help much – Kaidan’s world revolved around Shepard, and losing her wasn’t something that could be fixed with a few words or a couple days. But he still didn’t believe, didn’t _want_ to believe that Garrus was right. He and Kaidan had been friends for years, despite the rough patch in the middle after Shepard had died the first time. He wouldn’t just give up.

Would he?

Kaidan was facing the opposite direction, staring over the miles of rubble and looking at the moon, and Joker carefully climbed the little hill of rubble his friend was sitting on. “Hey.”

No response.

“Kaidan?”

Not even the slightest movement. It was like he didn’t even exist. But Joker was far too stubborn to give up that easily, and he walked around in front of him. “Kaidan!”

His friend jumped, and eyes that had been totally unfocused finally returned to rest on him. “Hey, Joker.”

“Are you-” Joker stopped himself before finishing that question – the answer was written in the dark circles under Kaidan’s eyes, the dirt all over his uniform and skin, the emptiness in his gaze. He took a seat on the rubble next to him. “Just wanted to see how it was going over here.”

“Nothing yet, but I’ll find her.”

“We’ve been here a while, have you taken a real break yet?”

“I don’t have time.” He shook his head, taking a sip of water from the bottle resting next to him.

“I hear the doctors are worried,” he offered. “I don’t usually trust ‘em myself, but you did almost get blown up by a Reaper. Might want to sit for a while. You’re gonna kill yourself if you push yourself too hard.”

“I’m going to find her,” he repeated, as if he hadn’t even heard him.

“Kaidan-”

“Don’t.” Kaidan’s voice was harsher than Joker had ever heard it before, and his friend turned to look him square in the eye. “I know what you’re going to say.”

“Oh yeah? What, then?”

“That she’s- gone. That I shouldn’t even be looking for her, I should just be grateful I’m alive at all.”

“That’s not what I was gonna say,” he replied. Kaidan looked at him with one eyebrow raised. “Of _course_ you should look for her. We’re all here, aren’t we? You’re not the only one who’d go crazy doing anything else.” This earned him a little smile and a nod, and Joker continued, encouraged. “I mean, maybe- maybe she is gone. But you aren’t, Kaidan. It’s- It’s really the start of the _rest_ of your life _._ Wasn’t that what she was trying to give everyone? A life? I just- I know that’s what she’d want. She wouldn’t want you to give up.”

But he’d lost him again, and Kaidan turned back to look off in the distance once more. “You don’t understand,” he replied, his voice emotionless.

“What don’t I understand?” He was unable to keep some of the frustration out of his voice. This wasn’t the Kaidan he knew, the man who’d fight to his last breath and was more stubborn than a krogan. “Feeling guilty? Kaidan, I was the one who got her killed the first time. I know _exactly_ how you feel.”

“How’s EDI?” Kaidan asked suddenly.

He was taken aback at the sudden change in topic. “She’s- fine? She’s helping me check the boding, moving some of the rubble.”

“Garrus and Tali?”

“Coordinating the search and looking for Shepard, just like everybody else.” He definitely sounded annoyed now, but after everything they’d been through lately, he couldn’t bring himself to care. “What are you asking for?”

“It’s good you all have somebody,” Kaidan said, his hands resting on his knees.. After all this, we all need somebody to keep us centered. Without Shepard, I don’t-” His voice cracked, and he looked down. “I can’t do this. Not without her.”

“You’ve got us,” Joker protested, his stomach in knots. “Shepard’s not the only person who cares about you, okay? We’re all here for you. I know how you’re- I know things seem bad now. But they can only get better, right?”

But even as he said it, Joker knew he was wrong. He’d watched Kaidan and Shepard slowly find their way into each other’s arms, and he remembered how happy they’d been. They’d all been devastated by her death, but one no more than Kaidan – he’d cut himself off from anyone who reminded him of their time together. He thought of the suspicion and crackling tension when they were reunited, the terror in Shepard’s eyes when she’d brought him back on the Normandy, near death. He remembered when she came back from their talk at the hospital and how much she’d smiled, more than she had in months. He thought of Kaidan putting his arm around her when they all played poker, how she casually leaned against him in their few moments of downtime, how he caught Kaidan taking her hand or Shepard running her fingers through Kaidan's graying hair every time they were together.

He knew better than anyone how Kaidan looked when he looked at Shepard, how he was the only one that she ever really relaxed around. They weren’t the heroes of the Citadel when they were together, they were just people in love.

And he looked at him now, and he didn’t see a hero, or someone in love, or the friend he’d been through so much with. All he saw was a lonely, broken man, a shadow, a ruined husk of what he’d been before.

 _Garrus was right,_ he thought, and he hated that he couldn’t even pretend otherwise anymore. __

“I’m sorry.”

What else could he say?

“I know,” Kaidan said quietly, then stood up, brushing some of the dirt and ashes from his hands. “I need to get back to work. After Harbinger shot at us... She’s wounded, I know she is. I don’t know how much time she has left.”

 _Same for you,_ Joker thought, his heart sinking as he watched him go.  __


	6. Chapter 6

They searched all through the night.

Liara's injured shoulder and Vega's shattered foot stopped them from doing much heavy lifting, but she used her biotics to help move debris while James scouted ahead and coordinated groups. Tali, shivering from a fever, helped carry bodies away so they could be laid to rest, while Javik used his ability to search for pieces of the Citadel that Shepard walked across, hoping a clue could lead them to her body. Wrex, EDI, and Joker shifted rubble and checked bodies, working together with perfect efficiency and encouraging the rest. Garrus mapped the areas they'd searched on his omnitool, marking the locations of bodies for burial and tech that could prove useful as the rebuilding process began.

They stole a few moments of sleep here and there, leaning against a piece of rubble with a promise that they'd just close their eyes for a minute, but they always woke up shortly after, no more rested than they were when they sat down. The others were all still looking, they thought. They couldn't let each other down, and they couldn't give up until they'd searched under every piece of wreckage. They dragged themselves up off the ground, their bodies and minds screaming for rest that they promised would come later, eventually, just hold on a little longer.

Kaidan didn't sleep.

How could he, when he could think of nothing but Shepard? His mind raced in endless circles of pain and fear and grief and worry, and he couldn't control the images he was seeing – Shepard, suffocating in space, again. Burned up in an explosion or the atmosphere. Drowned in the ocean. Crushed and buried somewhere in this endless field of debris.

Ignoring the shooting pain from his broken shoulder, the dizziness and lightheadedness from his cracked skull, his rattled and nigh-unusable biotic implant, Kaidan worked through the night, sometimes with marines and sometimes on his own, his omnitool constantly out and scanning for even the weakest of human life signs.

He found nothing but bodies, but he kept searching, not even noticing his friends' worried glances, words of encouragement, requests that he sleep for a moment. He was a man possessed, consumed by his need to find her again or die trying.

The others knew, though none of them could speak the words aloud, that it was only a matter of time.

Eventually, the stars began to fade, the moon set, and the first rays of the sun lit up the city, only the second full day since the Reapers were destroyed, and the group looked up as it rose. Maybe they would find her today. Maybe they could finally know for certain that she was gone, and start trying to figure out how to go on with their lives without the constant that was Shepard.

The sun rose over the horizon, and with it, the physically and mentally exhausted people recovering from the attack. There was so much to do, too much to accomplish before they could even begin the recovery and rebuilding process, so despite everyone's need for rest after the hell they'd all been through, everyone who could move was out in the city, doing what they could under the wise eye of Admiral Hackett.

But as the day's work began, word started to spread that Shepard's crew was looking for her body.

She was on the Citadel when it blew up, they whispered. She activated the Crucible, she destroyed the Reapers once and for all. The losses among all the races were horrific, but without her, they'd all be dead – they knew that much for sure.

After everything she did, she shouldn't be left buried in that rubble, they said, glancing around as if someone would overhear and tell them not to go.

At first it was just a few people who came to ask what they could do. They took an hour or two away from their assigned tasks, sneaking away for a "break" or telling superiors that they had something important they needed to do.

Garrus accepted their help gratefully, organizing them into teams to move debris and bodies, and the rest of the squad couldn't help their surprise at all the volunteers. After three years of doing everything themselves and having their requests for help ignored, they'd been grateful enough for the marines Hackett had loaned them. It hadn't even occurred to them to ask around and see if anyone wanted to help.

And suddenly, they were everywhere. Judging by the sea of hardworking people, everyone who could walk had come out to join their search. The miles of rubble stretched on before them, but they all moved with singular purpose and a clear goal in mind. With permission from Hackett, officers brought their crews down to join the work, showing up with tired smiles and a salute for Garrus, who found himself orchestrating a much bigger search-and-recovery effort than he had anticipated.

But it wasn't just humans who reported for duty – everyone who had been on the front lines and hadn't returned to their home planets joined in on the search. Turians, krogan, asari, even quarians and geth working together. The soldiers all accepted their comrades without question, but some of the crew couldn't help asking why they hadn't gone home to their families yet.

"We would have lost Palaven without Shepard," they said. "We owe her."

"Shepard-Commander is unique among organics. She understands geth."

"She went to Thessia herself. No one could have done more, no matter what happened."

"Shepard is a battlemaster without equal. She cured the genophage. The krogan pay their debts."

"She gave us our homeworld back. This is the least we can do for her."

Their quiet gratitude meant more to the crew than they could say.

They all worked together to lift the broken pieces of the Citadel, shovel the debris, move the bodies. Other volunteers handed out food and drinks, including some for the dextros that was brought down in shuttles from the ships still orbiting the planet. When a volunteer left for a few hours of rest, another would step in to replace them.

Sifting through the endless field of rubble no longer seemed like such an impossible task. But as the sun began to set and many of the volunteers went to rest, promising to return in the morning, the crew knew that they still had a long way to go.

Kaidan barely noticed the others who had joined the search; he hardly saw anything in front of him besides the empty scanner on his omnitool, the next piece of rubble to move aside. A rushing wind in his ears might just have been in his mind – or maybe it was the head injury. His arms screamed in protest, every muscle aching from injury and overuse.

Every time the world began to spin, he would sit for a moment and close his eyes, and an image of Shepard would spring to the forefront of his mind. He knew her face so well that he could see every detail, every scar and freckle and line. But that smile, the smile he knew was only for him, would change into an expression of terror as she was pulled backwards, vanishing into the darkness as he reached for her, a scream echoing around him before fading completely.

Then he'd stand and continue to work.

He ate when food was offered to him and made sure a water bottle was always full and nearby, but he moved mechanically through the rubble, searching for any kind of life.

Nothing.

He wasn't sure how long he continued like that. Minutes faded into hours, which passed like the blink of an eye. His friends came by to check on him, but his outright refusal to rest and clipped responses got rid of them fairly quickly. He felt a pang of guilt for ignoring them, watching them walk away before returning to his work. They were just trying to help, he knew, but they couldn't understand how he felt, they loved her but not the way he did, not remotely as much. Marines took turns helping; a new pair stood beside him every time he turned around, but he didn't ask their names or glance at their faces more than once.

It didn't matter who they were, or what they thought. She was out there, somewhere. Everyone else had given up. He would find her. He had to.

It took a touch on his shoulder to make him jump and wake up.

"Hello, Kaidan."

Coming out of a daze, he blinked and shook his head, his vision swimming yet again, and he put a hand to his forehead and shut his eyes for a moment hoping for it to pass. When he could open them again, he was shocked at who stood before him.

"...Admiral Shepard?" He could barely believe his eyes, but he had enough sense to snap to attention and salute as sharply as he could. But the weeks before the battle when he'd struggled to get a few hours of sleep a night, plus the last 24 hours of manual labor, had all taken their toll.

Hannah Shepard was fair-skinned and blonde like her daughter, and while she had to be approaching sixty, she had aged so well that only the wrinkles around her eyes and a few worry lines on her forehead betrayed her age. She wore the same Alliance Blues that he did, without any sign of her rank, but that clearly wasn't necessary – she was one of the highest-ranked of the remaining Alliance officers, as well as Commander Shepard's mother, and everyone already knew her face.

Despite his intense focus all day, he hadn't been able to help noticing the stares and whispers of the volunteers, sounds that followed him throughout the day as he searched for Shepard's body, and these surreptitious glances had only increased in number now that he was speaking to her mother.

"At ease, soldier," she said, a small smile on her lips. "Hannah is fine."

Kaidan allowed himself to relax. "It's good to see you," he said, and meant it. "After the battle, I hadn't heard, and I didn't know if you'd been- if you survived. It's been... a while since we last saw each other."

"Two years," she said, and he saw an emptiness in her eyes that mirrored his own. "The funeral."

His heart ached at the reminder. "I wish we could meet under better circumstances."

"So do I," she said quietly, looking out over the fields of rubble, where even now, as the sun went down, hundreds of people worked tirelessly to search all the bodies, an uncountable number of people killed in the destruction of the Citadel. "Steven told me what you all were doing down here."

"Steven...?"

"Admiral Hackett," she supplied, and he nodded, surprised at the familiarity. "I had to come see it all for myself. I think... I know Irien would be grateful that everyone cares so much."

"She'll be more grateful when we find her," he said, looking back at the next piece of rubble to move, the next place where he'd surely find her, safe and alive and back in his arms.

But he could see Hannah's shoulders slump out of the corner of his eye. "I hope so." A beat of silence. "Why don't we go sit and talk for a few minutes?" Hannah offered, meeting his gaze, and seeing the bright green eyes she'd passed on to her daughter was like a punch to the stomach, nearly knocking the wind out of him. "I'm sure you could use the break. You've been pushing yourself hard."

He shook his head. "There's no time. If she's hurt-" He cut himself off, crossing his arms to hide how much his hands were shaking. "I can't sit around and hope she'll hold on a few minutes more while I rest."

"Kaidan-"

For a moment, her voice sounded so much like Irien's that he could almost see her standing next to him again, begging him to listen to reason, and it was all he could do not to break down when reality caught up to him.

"Irien's father-" She began, but her voice wavered and she had to stop for a moment. "I don't know if she told you, but he... His ship was destroyed over Elysium a few weeks ago. You and the others... You're the last link I have to her," she said, a note of pleading in her voice. "I want to find her too, Kaidan. She's my daughter, and if she's really gone, I want to- to lay her to rest, if I can. But don't kill yourself searching for her. Please."

He looked over at her, and he didn't see an Admiral – just a widow grieving her husband, a mother grieving her only child.

Kaidan knew how unhealthy, irrational, insane he was being, But he couldn't let her go.

"I can't," he said, and his voice cracked. Tears in his eyes, he turned away, hating how weak he must look. "She's always been there for me. For all of us. If I stop searching now... I've let her down too many times already."

"Never," Hannah insisted so vehemently that the two marines working nearby looked up in surprise. There was a fire in her eyes that he recognized all too well, but she glanced over at them and she deflated instantly. She looked away, silent for a long moment. "Walk with me."

He followed her through the debris field in silence as they both gathered their thoughts, walking slowly down paths that had been cleared by tireless workers, skirting around people lugging piece of rubble. They made it past the larger groups of the volunteers into an area where they could talk without being overheard.

They couldn't walk fast, but that was for the best after how long he'd been working. Though he hated not looking for Shepard and his guilt threatened to overwhelm him, he couldn't deny that he was grateful for the chance to step away from it for a few minutes.

Hannah appeared to feel the same way, and he saw her take a deep breath, exhaling slowly, but the obvious tension in her shoulders remained. She'd lost everyone, too, he thought. Promoted to one of the highest ranks in the Alliance, nearing retiring age, and she'd lost her husband and daughter.

No, not her daughter, he corrected himself immediately. Not yet. Not until he found her.

She finally spoke, her voice quiet, but he could plainly see the pain written on her face, though she tried her best to keep it a careful neutral. "Irien... She was always independent," she said with a fond smile. "Her father and I couldn't always be there for her. It couldn't have been easy growing up on an Alliance vessel, but she took care of herself. And everyone else; she had little bands of followers on every ship we went to."

"That sounds like her," he said, smiling despite how his heart ached.

"But that's all they were – followers. She didn't have many close friends," she continued. "Maybe it was because we moved too often, but she never really opened up to them, or to us. We had to learn how to read between the lines of what she said to figure out how she was feeling."

"She's so determined to take care of everything herself," he agreed, "and she won't say when she needs help. No one gets to do anything for her. She's the most stubborn woman I've ever met."

"That she was," she smiled. "And even though we couldn't talk very much these last few months..." Hannah paused, then met his eyes. "I talked to her enough to know how she felt about you. Kaidan, you meant everything to her."

Her words unlocked whatever had been holding back all his emotions the past two days, and Kaidan broke down, stopping in place and sobbing unabashedly. Hannah took his arm and led him a few steps away, helping him to sit down on a piece of rubble before sitting next to him and letting her own tears start to fall, her quiet crying reminding him she, too, had been broken by losing Shepard.

They sat there for a long time, and though their hearts weren't mended by having company, at least they knew they weren't alone.

"I'm sorry," he said at last, his eyes stinging from how many he'd scrubbed tears away. Hannah looked at him, a silent question on her face. "I'm acting like I'm the only one who loved her, and she was your daughter. I can't- I wish I knew what to say."

She shook her head. "You don't have to say anything. I know how you feel about her. And even if we never find her... We're alive."

"That's not enough."

"It has to be."

"But I can't-" His voice cracked, and he took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "When she- died, last time, I didn't... It almost killed me."

"I know, Kaidan." Hannah's smile was a sympathetic, pitying one. He'd seen that same smile on Irien's face so many times that he recognized it instantly – her own heart was breaking, but she wouldn't rest, wouldn't think of herself for a moment until she'd helped everyone she cared about. "We have to pick up the pieces, and maybe... maybe, eventually, we'll be able to go on with our lives."

He barked a laugh. "You make it sound so easy." For a moment, he was jealous of Hannah – jealous of this woman who had lost her husband, her daughter, and was still holding herself together so much better than he was, and he couldn't believe how low he'd sunk. "I can't even imagine what you're... God, she was just like you," he said, shaking his head with some awe. "She could do anything. Everything. I always wanted to help her, but it always wound up the other way around. How do you do it?"

"You don't," she said simply. "Not alone. She needed you more than you think, more than she could have said.

"But I need her too. I can't- I can't do this, not without her." Ever since he met her, Shepard had been his center, and without her, he was broken, lost. "What are we supposed to do?" he asked, almost begging her for an answer.

"What she wanted us to do," Hannah told him, leaning forward. Her eyes were red from crying, but she stared at him intently. "We have to keep living, but we won't forget what she did, or how much she meant, to us and everyone else." She reached over to take his hand, squeezing it tightly. "We'll remember her."

Kaidan bowed his head, his heart aching, but he was out of tears. "Always."

Beep.

He blinked.

"What was that?" Hannah asked.

Beep.

"It's... I think it's my omni-tool," he said, hesitant to say so. He flicked it on, his heart suddenly pounding.

"Did they- Did someone find her?" Hannah asked desperately.

He tapped away at the controls and pulled up the application. Blinked at the results. Zoomed the map in and out. Reset the entire system and pulled it back up. Same results.

"No," he said, his voice perfectly controlled, even as his hands shook. "We did."


	7. Chapter 7

"The scanner found a life sign." Kaidan surged onto his feet, his eyes glued to the console. "Weak, but it's there."

Hannah grabbed his arm, her eyes wide. "Where?"

He led the way, his eyes fixed on that one, tiny, flashing point –barely a heartbeat, but it was enough. It was her. He knew it. It had to be.

Navigating the rubble purely by instinct, the beeps increased in frequency until they were near-constant. Hannah followed so close behind that she nearly crashed into him when he stopped short in front of a roughly rectangular structure about four feet high. Looking at it up close, he could tell that it was in much better shape than the rest of the broken pieces of Citadel, but from afar, it would look just like the rest of these endless fields of rubble. Maybe some of the shielding had survived and protected her long enough to get through the atmosphere? His tech-inclined mind was racing, but he told himself to obsess about the hows and whys later. She was alive, the beeping of his omni-tool a constant, high-pitched reminder.

If he hadn't been searching for life signs... He pushed the thought out of his mind. He had, and she was alive.

"Here," he told Hannah, patting, then shoving, the side of one wall. Solid. At least it had protected her, but getting her out now... "Inside this. Or under it. But she's alive."

"You're sure it's her?"

"Yes. No." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's impossible to tell from out here. But it has to be. Who else could have survived this?"

That explanation made sense to Hannah – or maybe she was just as desperate as he was – and she nodded once, looking over the structure with a critical eye. Despite how much damage it had taken, the pieces leaning on each other were far too large to move by themselves. "We're not getting in there without help."

"I'll go," he offered, but she shook her head.

"I've slept more; you'll pass out running back. Stay here." She shoved a finger at his chest, making him rock backwards. "Don't let her go."

"Yes ma'am."

She ran off, debris sliding everywhere as she climbed up and over the endless hills of rubble, running back to the others as fast as she could. He turned back to the ruined piece of the Citadel that had kept Shepard trapped, but alive, for the past two and a half days.

"You did it, Shepard," he murmured, reaching out to rest his hands against it. "The Reapers are gone. You saved us. And I know you hate letting other people help you, but this time I have to insist." He chuckled weakly, wishing she was there to roll her eyes and grin at him. "Let me save you. Just this once, okay?"

Kaidan glanced back down at his omni-tool. It couldn't tell him everything, couldn't even tell him for certain that it was Shepard in there – only his gut instincts and his desperate heart could tell him that – but it could monitor life signs fairly well, even remotely. But Shepard's heartbeat was barely registering. Where the hell were Hannah and the rest of them? He looked over his shoulder, expecting the others to be running toward him, ready to help, but it hadn't been long enough, especially since she needed to find doctors, a field medic kit, soldiers to move the rubble...

"Hang on, Shepard," he whispered. "I'm here. I promised, remember? We're all here, everyone's looking for you. It's been a crazy couple days. I'll tell you all about it once we get you out of there, okay? Just hold on a few more minutes."

But she couldn't hear him, couldn't have obeyed even if she did. Her heart was beating far faster than normal, working overtime to keep her body running. He'd known that if she'd actually survived, she would be badly injured, but being here, with a heart rate like this, she must have lost a lot of blood. And after how long she'd been without food, water, doctors...

"Don't you dare, Shepard," he whispered. "Don't even think about dying on me now. After all this... I found you, now just hold on and you'll be fine."

As he watched, the flashing light showing her pulse got dimmer, and dimmer still.

Then it disappeared entirely.

She would not die in there. Not while he was right outside.

He took a step back, his hands balled into fists and his eyes focused and clearer than they'd been in days. He might not be able to save her, but he could be there for her, and she'd know she wasn't alone.

The doctors' stern warnings against the use of his biotics echoed in his mind as a corona of blue energy engulfed him. A shock of pain made him wince, but he ignored it, pushing aside any worry he felt and taking another step back to reach out to see what he was dealing with.

The slab of Citadel that had trapped Shepard was huge and would have been difficult to lift even on one of his best days, and in his current condition, with a damaged implant, he didn't know if it was possible without killing himself.

But he didn't have a choice. He wasn't letting her die in there alone. It could move. He would move it.

He pushed at the slab and another stabbing pain from the back of his skull made him gasp, his biotics faltering for a moment. But he gritted his teeth, focusing all his energy on lifting the massive piece of rubble. The weight of it was more than he'd ever lifted before, almost more than he could handle, but another weak beep sounded from his omni-tool and he surged forward.

The rubble shifted and groaned, the pain and pressure in his skull building past the point where he knew he'd have a killer migraine, but he put more and more of his energy into the still-unmoving slab. But he pushed through the pain, and after a long, scary moment, it slowly began to move upwards. Just a few inches, but he smiled even as spots danced before his eyes.

But his smile disappeared at a sudden cracking sound as the rubble started to break in half, cracks racing widthwise faster than his eyes could follow.

No!

His other hand shot out, another surge of biotic energy catching the falling piece. He had control again, but now he was forced to balance both pieces independently, doubling the strain on his already damaged implant. He gasped in pain, his migraine already so bad that even the pale light of the moon was agony.

Slowly, torturously slowly, Kaidan shifted the rubble away. Lightning bolts of torment radiated from the back of his head. Something was wrong, seriously wrong, nothing had ever hurt this badly before in his life. The times when he'd broken his leg as a kid, his worst migraine, that robot on Mars almost killing him all faded in the face of this impossible anguish.

But Shepard was right there, dying alone, and he wasn't going to let her go. Not alone. Not without saying goodbye.

The moment the rubble cleared the rest of the structure, he released his hold on it, the blue glow disappearing and the wreckage crashing to the ground, dust and dirt flying upward. He barely saw it before he collapsed, his eyes squeezing shut against the world as his knees simply stopped supporting him.

Get up, a voice said, and it took him a long moment to realize it was his own. He forced his eyes open despite the intense pain in his head, choking and coughing from the dust in the air, and reached to the back of his head, feeling a wetness that a quick glance confirmed was blood.

Find her. The voice spoke again, and he struggled to get off the ground. The light of the stars were like spotlights shining directly into his eyes, and shards of the Citadel dug into his palms as he crawled on his hands and knees toward the structure, the pain and dizziness in his head making him unable to get to his feet.

A three-foot wall stood between him and Shepard, and he lunged upward, grabbing the top of it and dragging himself over inch by inch, squeezing his eyes closed and navigating by touch alone. He made it over and let himself fall, collapsing to the ground on the other side, breathing heavily from exertion and fighting the overwhelming agony in his skull.

His body desperately wanted to shut down, but he fought off unconsciousness and pushed against the ground, forcing his head up as he felt more blood running down the back of his neck.

And there she was, just as he'd known she would be.

If his omni-tool hadn't still been softly beeping, he would have assumed the worst. As it was, he almost thought that anyway. He'd seen Shepard in bad shape before, but nothing like his – covered in blood and burns, white as a sheet, laying perfectly still. Her armor was utterly ruined and set off to one side.

She must have been awake for a little while, at least, he thought, his own pain forgotten as he crawled toward her. Irien's face was barely recognizable behind the cuts and blood and dirt, and he reached out to touch her hand. It was freezing, and he'd had enough medic training to know that she was in bad shape if her body was shutting down the extremities to keep her organs going for as long as possible.

Her pulse-

He reached up to her neck, and even there he could barely feel anything. Her heart was beating weakly, but fast, and even as he listened and tried to count the beats, he could feel that the rhythm was irregular.

"Shepard," he said, his voice rough. "I'm here."

As much as he wanted to hold her, he didn't want to risk making her injuries any worse than they already were, so he struggled into a sitting position close by and stroked her hair, gazing down at her.

"You said you'd be waiting," he whispered. "I showed up. I promised, remember? I'll- I'll fix you. Please, just- stay with me. Please."

He touched her cheek gently, hoping for some kind of sign that she could hear him.

Unconsciousness finally pulled him under and he felt himself sliding to the ground, but his eyes remained fixed on Shepard until the last moment.

Kaidan woke up in the hospital for the second time in three days.

This time, at least, he wasn't nearly as groggy, and though his head still throbbed with pain, he noticed that his surroundings had changed yet again. Apparently while he'd been unconscious, they'd moved him to a cot in a windowless room they'd converted to a hospital – no medic tents for him this time.

But his location didn't concern him as much as the soft voice that greeted him the moment he opened his eyes.

"Hey, Kaidan."

He looked toward the sound, and there Shepard lay, on a cot to his left. He wondered for a moment if he'd died, or maybe if he was dreaming – but he couldn't be. If he was, she wouldn't have those bruises, burns, and cuts on her face and arms; the bandages and medigel covering her skin; the tubes and needles pumping who knew what into her bloodstream. Despite all that, she had a smile on her face, her green eyes shining as she looked at him.

He exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Shepard," he whispered. The bed she lay on was only a foot from the edge of his own – some kind soul must have arranged them that way, and he said a silent thanks to them as he reached out blindly for her. Despite the poor condition she was in, her hand grasped his tightly. "You're alive."

"So are you," she smiled, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. His vision started to blur, and he realized the same was true for him.

"And both of you are very, very lucky to be that way," Hannah Shepard said. He hadn't noticed her sitting in a chair nearby, but she stood and moved to stand at her daughter's other side.

He looked up at her. "How long-"

"Fifteen hours."

"Shit."

Hannah chuckled. "I'm actually surprised you're up and moving around so soon. After what you did... I thought I told you to wait for me before starting any rescue attempts, Major." She sounded amused.

"Had a situation come up, ma'am," he replied, looking back at Shepard. "I couldn't leave her in there alone."

"I know," she said, but her voice sounded sad. "I just wish-" she began, but cut herself off, looking away.

He glanced up at her. "You wish...?"

"I'll get the doctor. And the others – your whole squad is outside, they've been waiting for you to wake up." She fled the room before he could object, and he turned back to Irien.

"Are you okay?" he asked. He shook his head, but a moment of dizziness forced him to close his eyes for a moment to recover. "I'm sorry, stupid question."

"I'm alive, thanks to you," she said, but her smile was a little sad. "Almost everything will heal within the next few weeks."

"Almost?"

"My- my leg," she confessed, reaching down to touch her left thigh with a trembling hand. "Took a hit from a Marauder before I made it through the beam, and after Anderson- after everything that happened, I hardly had any medigel, and I couldn't..."

She had to stop, shutting her eyes and turning away from him.

He squeezed her hand. "Hey, Shepard... You don't have to say anything. But I'm here, and I'll listen, if you want to talk about it."

She smiled at him weakly. "No, it's- it's fine. They, ah, they did everything they could, but they said-" Her voice cracked, but she took a deep breath and pressed on. "It was too late, I guess. Something about- nerve damage. It healed wrong because I only had enough medigel to stop the bleeding, and I couldn't get the bullet out... They operated, but they couldn't- make it like it was."

She turned back to him, her eyes red and tears streaming down her face. "I can pretend at being a diplomat or an admiral or- anything else, but at the end of the day, I'm just a soldier, Kaidan. It's all I've ever been. I'll have a limp. I won't- They don't even think I'll be able to run. How am I supposed to fight?"

"You won this war, Shepard," he told her gently. "The fight is over."

She didn't get a chance to reply before her mother returned, followed by two doctors and Admiral Hackett.

"Good to see you awake, Major," Hackett said with a smile, "though I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of certain-death situations from here on out."

"As long as she will too," he replied with a smile, inclining his head toward Shepard.

But a shooting pain at the motion made him gasp, his hand flying to the bandages there. "What-" he began, then paused, frowning. Something felt... off. Wrong. There was suddenly a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he looked up at the doctor, who stood above his bed with an expression of... pity. "What happened?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but your implant has been damaged, Major," he said, glancing over at Hackett. "Further damaged, I should say."

He just stared at him. "How?"

"I'm sure you remember that we told you of the damage during your charge to the Beam, and we had planned to operate and fix it once your skull fracture healed," he explained. "But I'm afraid that lifting that rubble was far beyond the normal ability for any L2, much less one with a damaged implant."

A cold fear gripped his heart. "What are you saying?"

"I'm afraid your implant has... the best way to explain is that it shorted out," he said slowly. "Since it will no longer be able to amplify your biotics, your abilities are... nearly unusable. The damage is inoperable, and, unfortunately, irreparable as well."

The doctor's words faded away as a rushing sound filled his ears.

"To be perfectly honest with you, Major Alenko, you're extremely lucky that the implant breaking didn't kill you outright..."

Irreparable.

Nearly unusable.

Without his biotics, what was he? A soldier, but not a particularly good one. A tech, but his skills couldn't compare to someone like Tali or Engineer Adams. Almost his entire life had been centered around his biotic abilities – leaving home for Brain Camp, the incident with Vyrnnus and Rahna, joining the Alliance, being placed on Shepard's squad...

Kaidan's mind spun in circles of anxiety and fear. He'd always had his biotics to fall back on – without them, what was he supposed to do? Who was he supposed to be?

But a squeeze from Shepard's hand in his yanked him back to the present, and he looked over at her.

The droning of the doctor and the concerned looks from Hackett and Hannah fading into the background as he met her eyes, and he remembered everything else in his life – everything he'd accomplished, the places he'd been, the people he'd helped, his friends, his family.

And, of course, Shepard.

They were alive. That was all that mattered.

"Okay."

The doctor paused in his explanation, looking at him quizzically.

"I'll... adjust," he said, still gazing into her eyes. "It'll be... strange. But it's not the end of the world."

Shepard's smile lit up her whole face. "You're right," she agreed, her hand held tightly in his. "It's the beginning."


	8. Epilogue

"You two ready for visitors?" Joker peered around the door frame, covering his eyes with one hand but unable to hide his grin. "Or do you need some alone time?"

"We'll save that for later," Shepard replied with a wicked smile that made Kaidan chuckle.

"And that's my cue to leave," Hannah laughed. "Steven?"

"Right behind you," Hackett replied, following her out, but he paused at the door, looking over his shoulder at them. "Take as much time as you need to recover, Shepard. We'll be happy to see you when you're ready to come back to active duty."

She smiled. "Thank you, sir."

As the admirals left, the rest of the crew piled through the door, grins and no few tears on everyone's faces. They all squeezed into the room – the whole squad, plus Wrex and Joker, of course, had come to see the two of them, with many of the others on their way now that news of her survival had started to spread.

"Good to see you, Shepard," Garrus said, standing near Shepard's bedside and looking down at her. "We thought-" He cut himself off, looking away.

"We're all just so glad you made it." Tali finished his sentence, reaching over to take Garrus's hand.

Shepard seemed to understand, reaching up to grasp their hands with hers, tubes trailing from her arms. "I'm not going anywhere," she said, smiling up at them.

According to the marines stationed outside her door and around the makeshift hospital, practically everyone in London had come by with thanks and gifts, hoping to hear that the savior of the galaxy was really, truly alive. They relayed on the happy news, but limited visitors to only those she'd been closest to, citing her need for rest.

But looking at her now, ignoring the bandages and needles on her skin and the beeping machines surrounding her, one would think nothing was wrong. Shepard's eyes were alight, her movements limited but animated, a smile on her face as she looked around at her friends.

"I mean," Shepard continued, "who would run the suicide missions if I wasn't around to guilt you into helping me?"

"How 'bout we try to keep it more 'mission' and less 'suicide' next time?" Joker suggested. "My baby can't take much more of this without getting all scratched up."

"I'm right here, Jeff," EDI pointed out.

"Oh yeah. And I definitely meant you, not the Normandy," he said, nodding emphatically.

"Don't worry – I think our next mission will be conquering a stretch of beach with plenty of lounge chairs and a bar."

"Not gonna rush back into the fight, Lola?" James asked, raising his eyebrows. "Though, hey, I'm not gonna argue if you want to lay around in a bikini."

Shepard rolled her eyes, smiling at Kaidan in the cot next to her. "Not going to defend my honor?"

The question seemed to pull him out of a daze, and he blinked rapidly. "Uh," he sputtered, eyes flicking from Shepard to Vega and back again.

"...you don't have a clue what I just said, do you."

"...no ma'am. Last thing I remember was the word 'bikini.'"

"You're asking for trouble there, Major," she grinned.

Liara smacked Vega on the arm, but he just laughed. "Nice knowing I wasn't the only one who thought it!"

"A beach sounds like an excellent idea, Shepard," Liara smiled, ignoring the smug marine next to her. "I think all of us could use a break."

"And some drinks," Garrus agreed.

"Don't suppose this hospital has a bar?" Shepard asked, bracing herself for disappointment.

Wrex laughed. "I'll get my people on it. But until then, we've got your back, Shepard."

EDI produced a bottle of champagne from a bag, plus the dextro equivalent, enough plastic glasses to go around, and a straw for Tali. Javik handed this to her with great ceremony, trying to hide a smile, and she laughed and accepted it, ducking her head in embarrassment, much to everyone's amusement.

"We figured you'd want us to bring this along," Joker said, passing out the glasses. "Though I gotta advise against dancing. For once, you might have more broken bones than me!"

"You know me so well," Shepard laughed, accepting a cup gingerly and sitting up a bit more. She sobered a little, looking around at the group. "After everything... You saved the galaxy. All of you. It's been an honor serving with each and every one of you."

"You're not getting rid of us that easy, Shepard," Kaidan smiled, reaching over to take her hand. "The Reapers are gone, but there's still plenty of work for us to do. Together."

She smiled. "I like the sound of that."

"But I think they can survive without us for a little while. And until then, some celebrating is in order. To Shepard," Kaidan said, raising his glass, and the others followed suit.

"A woman the galaxy will always remember," Liara smiled.

"A hero to the krogan," Wrex rumbled, raising the bottle.

"The galaxy's most skillful negotiator," Tali said.

"When she wants to be," Vega added with a grin.

"A mighty warrior, for her cycle," Javik allowed.

"An ally to anyone who needs her," EDI said.

"The worst driver ever to take the wheel," Joker grinned.

"The best friend anyone could ask for," Garrus said.

"And the galaxy's best and brightest hope for the future," Kaidan finished, taking her hand.

They all drank, and Shepard beamed at them all. For the first time, she was completely and utterly speechless.

-the end-


End file.
